Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection

Chapter 7 examines how couples can move beyond zero-sum thinking in conflicts to achieve meaningful compromise. The Gottmans explain that while some situations, like poker games, genuinely represent zero-sum scenarios in which one person’s gain equals another’s loss, many people incorrectly interpret complex relationship dynamics through this restrictive lens.

To illustrate this concept, the authors present the case of Vince and Jenny, a couple in their mid-sixties from Bellingham, Washington. After decades of marriage, they reached an impasse regarding their retirement plans: Vince dreamed of selling their house to buy a sailboat for world travel, while Jenny hoped to move to her family’s ancestral farm in Iowa. Initially, both viewed these dreams as mutually exclusive, leading to bitter arguments and deteriorating relationship quality.

The Gottmans’ research demonstrates the dangers of zero-sum thinking in relationships. A 20-year study conducted with Robert Bennett revealed that couples who approach conflicts as zero-sum games experience worse health outcomes. In heterosexual partnerships exhibiting this pattern, 58% of husbands died during the study period, compared to only 20% in couples who demonstrated more collaborative conflict styles. The authors attribute this disparity partly to increased physiological stress responses during arguments and women’s higher oxytocin production, which helps buffer stress effects.