Dream Count

Content Warning: This section of the guide includes references to sexual violence, rape, and the death of a loved one.

“I have always longed to be known, truly known, by another human being. Sometimes we live for years with yearnings that we cannot name. Until a crack appears in the sky and widens and reveals us to ourselves, as the pandemic did, because it was during lockdown that I began to sift through my life and give names to things long unnamed.”

Chiamaka’s experience of the 2020 COVID-19 lockdown ignites her longing for love and connection. Chia opens her first-person account with these lines, and thus places her desire “to be known, truly known” at the forefront of her story. The lockdown circumstantially reminds her of these personal desires and in turn catalyzes her meditations on love and relationships.

“In this suspended life, I one day found a gray hair on my head. It appeared overnight, near my temple, tightly coiled, and in the bathroom mirror I first thought it was a piece of lint. A single gray hair with a slight sheen to it. I unfurled it to its full length, let it go, and then unfurled it again. I didn’t pull it out. I thought: I’m growing old. I’m growing old and the world has changed and I have never been truly known.”

The gray hair that Chia finds on her head during the lockdown is a symbol of time passing and of aging. Chia finds the hair when she is closed in her house by herself with no opportunities to connect with others. Therefore, the “tightly coiled” gray hair underscores her solitude and augments her longing to find love and happiness before it is too late.

“Darnell’s possessiveness, playful as it was, gave me a rush of happiness. My woman. I loved hearing it and he said it so rarely. Sometimes he was so detached from me in public, I feared he was only waiting for the evening’s end to tell me it was over.”

Chia’s reflections on her time with Darnell illustrate the Impact of Love and Relationships on Personal Development. Although Darnell is possessive and detached, Chia is desperate for him to show her affection. She values any glimpse of attention he gives her because she is defining her self-worth according to their relationship. She has no security in their relationship—perpetually expecting Darnell to break up with her without good reason—and thus little security in herself.